UNCANNY X-MEN #384 (September 2000)

Crimson Pirates

Credits: Chris Claremont (writer), Adam Kubert (penciler), Tim Townsend w/Lary Stucker (inks), Richard Starkings & Comicraft (letters), Richard Isanove (colors)

Summary: The Crimson Pirates abduct Defense Minister Demetri Koniev, threatening his family if he doesn’t cooperate. Meanwhile, at the former KGB headquarters, Deb Levin and Major Vazhin join the X-Men in interrogating Tullamore Voge. Phoenix attempts to invade his thoughts, only to connect with Wolverine, using Cerebro in New York. While informing her of the Goth’s attack, Voge nabs Wolverine and nearly transforms him into a slave. Phoenix shunts him out of the Astral Plane just in time. Cable, however, is altered after entering Voge’s mind. He appears to be suddenly cured of the techno-organic virus, just as Minister Koniev appears outside, demanding entrance. When Vazhin refuses, the Crimson Pirates attack. The X-Men are robbed of their victory when Cable betrays the team. Facing a barrage from the Pirates, Beast is forced to retreat with Phoenix and Deb.

Continuity Notes:

• Sketch, the young mutant rescued by the team last issue, is not seen or referenced.
• We’re again told Vazhin’s base has thousands of offices, but is only occupied by him and Levin. The dimensions of the building seem odd, though, given that we’re told it resembles the Sears Tower on its side, but is also tall enough for Beast to fall over a dozen stories when escaping the building.
• We have another instance of a non-telepath using Cerebro, as Wolverine uses it to contact the team, though Claremont’s still going with the idea it’s essentially impossible. Wolverine declares he’s the only available member who could use it, due to his healing factor. (Wolverine points out his team of X-Men has no telepaths, which just emphasizes that Claremont has placed two on this team.)
• Beast’s narration indicates Simyon Kurasov is an old associate of Storm’s. Their dialogue last issue was unclear on whether or not they’d personally met before.
• When recapping the events of X-Men #103, Wolverine doesn’t list Psylocke as one of the X-Men kidnapped by the Goth. He also doesn’t mention Shadowcat’s disappearance or the situation with Jones and Reyes, but in fairness, it is a brief scene.
• After rescuing Wolverine inside the Astral Plane, a stunned Phoenix declares “You?!” when Voge sends a mystery foe against her. We only see a close-up of fangs and nasty teeth, but judging by the speech pattern I’m assuming this is…Sabretooth? Or some corrupted version of Wolverine? (Even though she rescued him in the previous panel?) It’s a confusing sequence, with no payoff, regardless.
• One of Voge’s hounds, garbed in the future Rachel Summers’ outfit, arrives with the Crimson Pirates, tackling Vazhin in one scene. The storytelling is so chaotic in the sequence, it’s easy to miss her, though. Her identity will be revealed in the next chapter, X-Men #104.

Continuity Notes - Special Crimson Pirate Edition:

The Crimson Pirates consist of their leader Killian (the freak on the cover), Bloody Bess (years later in the Nightcrawler series, Claremont establishes her as Nightcrawler's love interest, a telepath, and as someone Nightcrawler thinks he recognizes), Broadside (the token tough guy), and their flunkies, the Sea Dogs (who look like army builder figures from a cancelled Bucky O’Hare wave.) Like the Goth, we’re not told they’re Neo, but fans tended to lump them all together.

Critics’ Corner:  Russian government agent Deb Levin declaring “That is so not a comfort!” during the fight was roundly mocked, as I remember. And I don’t recall any positive reactions to the Crimson Pirates.

Soon to be a Major Motion Picture! : The film was around a week away from release when the issue hit the stands. The logo’s officially switched to…not the movie logo. But apparently someone in the offices thought this was close enough. (It’s possible Marvel couldn’t use the official movie logo for legal reasons, but I’ve always hated this thing.) The logo had remained unchanged since the early 1970s, with the exception of the Age of Apocalypse event.

We also have ads for the X-Men trading card game, featuring an artist’s rendering of Wolverine in his movie costume. And the “X-Men The Movie Collectibles” page, featuring a $69.95 “Wolverine’s Claw” letter opener and $89.95 Cyclops visor replica.

Review: A template for Uncanny reviews could read, “Some decent ideas, with impressive art, but the execution’s too disorderly to have an impact.”

This chapter isn’t as dense as the previous; it’s easier to follow the flow of the story and Kubert doesn’t seem as rushed this time. However, you’ve got to question if there was ever a need for the lengthy introduction of the Defense Minister who adds nothing to the story, and the decision to throw another new team of villains at the reader.

The Crimson Pirates truly do speak like pirates, come across as leftovers from one of the “silly” Excalibur issues, have no consistent design sense (what about the image on the cover says “Pirate,” exactly?), and are the second round of forgettable lackeys to appear in as many issues. And, just like Ransome Sole’s crew, this group of stooges has their own crew of sub-stooges (?) to pad out the ranks. Although, admittedly, I think the Sea Dogs have the best designs of the lot, and Kubert seems to have a lot of fun with them.

The moments Kubert is free to tell a story give you a glimpse of what this run could’ve been. Cable’s slow realization that his virus has been cured, Gambit getting stabbed in the chest (then looking down to confirm it’s happened, right before collapsing), the wicked artic tempest Storm uses to pummel the Pirates, Voge’s cartoonish expressions during his interrogation, actual hand-drawn sound effects(!)…I love moments like this. I’d put Kubert up there with the greats like Byrne and Silvestri in a heartbeat if we had a solid run of well-executed plots to accompany the art.

Instead, we have more garbled continuity from issue to issue (even from scene to scene, during Phoenix’s sequence), supplemented by some concepts that perhaps survived an earlier draft but make little sense now. Claremont seems fond of the idea of Vazhin and Levin becoming Russia’s “Mulder and Scully”—which could be a perfectly fine setup for the characters, but has no real bearing on what’s happening here. Ever wanted to see Vazhin team up with the X-Men? Well, console yourself with the literal one page he participates in the fighting, emerging haggard off-panel from some intense action we weren’t allowed to witness. And, hey, don’t you longtime readers want to know just what Claremont had in mind for Vazhin and Voge back in the day? Well, too bad. Here’s some more Neo for you.

Speaking of Voge, he’s such a weird character, and such a deep pull from X-continuity, you’ve got to figure Claremont was going somewhere with this. My only real interest in the villain is figuring out just what Claremont intended for the bloated Smurf, who speaks in a nearly indecipherable Cockney (?) dialect, and why he’s seemingly attached such importance in the lore to Voge. Claremont’s even stated that if he could have any of his previous comics redrawn by a different artist, it’d be the Hellfire Club/Tullamore Voge arc from Excalibur. Seriously…Why?

This entry exists thanks to those who posted Amazon reviews of my new novel, Black Hat Blues. I’ll continue posting installments in this series—one for every review the book receives. So if you want this series to continue, please, leave a review!